Idk pt. five billion
I constantly have to tell myself not to worry so much. What’s happened in the past has passed. What’s happening in the present can be controlled. As for the future? Anything can happen and that’s the beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing about it. That the past and present may not have had any consequence or that they had changed it for the better. Ambiguity at it’s finest! Or perhaps i’m using the wrong word.
Today I felt as if I were in purgatory. Caught in a sullen limbo of constant numbness, neither good nor bad making much of an impression on me. Lost, but wandering. It felt so strange. Feels so strange.
I don’t like it.
Because I really like to care about where i’m going and who i’m going there with. If I don’t work for the present than what do I have? Unchangeable past events and an unforseeable, untouchable future. But right now. Right now I can do something. Right now, I have the power to not quite touch, but guide my future to where i’d like it to go.
Isn’t that all the power we really have anyway? To dictate ourselves and our manner in a way that reflects the direction we’d like our lives to take?
I believe in fate, yes, but to a degree.
Above all else, I believe in myself.
I just have to stop forgetting that.
Like a drunken fool stuttering,
I remind myself not to say I love you
when we wake up.
I am pathetic.
We juggle hands,
searching for whatever it is we want
without knowing what it is.
We’re confused.
I forget to do important things
because I now know you.
Things seem less important.
speed limit 65, going 70
Don’t want to die
But I would like to get to you
Five miles sooner.
Oh,
those destructive magic moments when I wake up with you by my side. The crisp morning air rids the room of the foggy passion from the night before, turning lust into realization and physical satiation into emotional emptiness.
Despite my usual adamant stubbornness, I find myself always returning back to you; your hold on me like a retractable leash tied around my heart. The feelings that I harbor expands with every second that we share, swallowing me in instantaneous happiness, blinding me from any pain that you had ever made me feel.
We weren’t ready to let go. My bitter feelings of disdain and distrust vanishes with the first hello. Your once familiar voice locking me in, reeling me back from the distance I had gained from you. Forever breaking barriers and rendering my defense useless. I’m helpless on your line, a fish out of water. Alive enough to struggle for life, but so, so weak.
In a few days my longing for you will cease to exist.
Until the next time you cross my mind.
